Trump Claims Wind Turbines Cause Cancer, College Admissions Scandal - Monologue

Trump Claims Wind Turbines Cause Cancer, College Admissions Scandal - Monologue
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    -Let's get to the news.
    During a speech last night, President Trump
    claimed that the noise made by wind turbines causes cancer.
    I've been trying to decide all day what the craziest part
    of that sentence is, and I think it's "president."
    [ Cheers and applause ]
    You know, I used to think Trump was like the crazy guy
    on the subway, but now I think he's the guy
    that the crazy guy on the subway would warn you about.
    "You're gonna want to take the next one."
    Former Vice President Joe Biden has put out a new video
    addressing the recent allegations against him
    of unwanted touching, saying,
    "Social norms have changed and shifted."
    Well, if the president thing doesn't work out,
    another government agency already
    offered him a job.
    15 defendants who were charged in last month's
    college-admissions scandal appeared in court today,
    including actresses
    Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin.
    The courthouse was packed, but somehow,
    their daughters got in.
    Fox News will host a town-hall event in Pennsylvania this month
    with Senator Bernie Sanders.
    It will give Fox News viewers an opportunity
    to hear from someone younger.
    "I like this whippersnapper."
    New uniforms for the NFL's New York Jets
    appeared to leak on Twitter today,
    one day before their official release.
    Fortunately, by now, the Jets are used to
    things getting intercepted.
    [ Cheers and applause ]
    According to a new report, volunteers cleaning up
    trash from a New Jersey beach picked up 565 condoms last year.
    Said the "Jersey Shore" guys, "Don't look at us.
    We don't use those. Not me."
    AMC Theatres has announced that it will screen
    a 59-hour marathon of all 22 Marvel Universe movies.
    And if it isn't long enough for you, the next day,
    they're showing one "Lord of the Rings."
    A hotel in England has launched a so-called "lemoga" class,
    which allows guests to do yoga
    in a room filled with loose lemur monkeys.
    Well, they're loose now.
    You should have seen them before they did yoga.
    [ Laughs ] Yep.
    That's a picture of a lemur after he heard that joke.
    "You're going to tell it on TV?
    Oh, no. I get it."
    And, finally, an adult-movie theater
    recently opened in Amsterdam
    that will show pornography in 5-D.
    Viewings will be at 7:00, 7:03, 7:06, 7:09.
    -Let's get to the news.
    During a speech last night, President Trump
    claimed that the noise made by wind turbines causes cancer.
    I've been trying to decide all day what the craziest part
    of that sentence is, and I think it's "president."
    [ Cheers and applause ]
    You know, I used to think Trump was like the crazy guy
    on the subway, but now I think he's the guy
    that the crazy guy on the subway would warn you about.
    "You're gonna want to take the next one."
    Former Vice President Joe Biden has put out a new video
    addressing the recent allegations against him
    of unwanted touching, saying,
    "Social norms have changed and shifted."
    Well, if the president thing doesn't work out,
    another government agency already
    offered him a job.
    15 defendants who were charged in last month's
    college-admissions scandal appeared in court today,
    including actresses
    Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin.
    The courthouse was packed, but somehow,
    their daughters got in.
    Fox News will host a town-hall event in Pennsylvania this month
    with Senator Bernie Sanders.
    It will give Fox News viewers an opportunity
    to hear from someone younger.
    "I like this whippersnapper."
    New uniforms for the NFL's New York Jets
    appeared to leak on Twitter today,
    one day before their official release.
    Fortunately, by now, the Jets are used to
    things getting intercepted.
    [ Cheers and applause ]
    According to a new report, volunteers cleaning up
    trash from a New Jersey beach picked up 565 condoms last year.
    Said the "Jersey Shore" guys, "Don't look at us.
    We don't use those. Not me."
    AMC Theatres has announced that it will screen
    a 59-hour marathon of all 22 Marvel Universe movies.
    And if it isn't long enough for you, the next day,
    they're showing one "Lord of the Rings."
    A hotel in England has launched a so-called "lemoga" class,
    which allows guests to do yoga
    in a room filled with loose lemur monkeys.
    Well, they're loose now.
    You should have seen them before they did yoga.
    [ Laughs ] Yep.
    That's a picture of a lemur after he heard that joke.
    "You're going to tell it on TV?
    Oh, no. I get it."
    And, finally, an adult-movie theater
    recently opened in Amsterdam
    that will show pornography in 5-D.
    Viewings will be at 7:00, 7:03, 7:06, 7:09.
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