Do Not Read: How to Be a Drug Dealer, What If You Are a Horse in Human Form

Do Not Read: How to Be a Drug Dealer, What If You Are a Horse in Human Form
    -♪♪ Do not read ♪♪
    ♪♪ Do not read ♪♪
    ♪♪ Do not read these books, these books ♪♪
    -Now, before we start, I just want you all to know
    that every book that I'm about to show you is 100% real.
    These are actual books. You can find them on Amazon
    or check them out at your local library.
    -Right. -They are real.
    All right, let's see what's on my "Do Not Read" list.
    The first one is a cookbook. -Oh, good.
    -I love cookbooks, yeah. They're perfect for the holidays.
    -Love to snug up -- -This is
    "Microwave Cooking on a Diet."
    [ Laughter ]
    I guess that's the classic loose taco meat,
    chocolate pudding diet. -Aw!
    -Oh. [ Laughs ] -I didn't realize you could
    microwave pudding. [ Laughter ]
    But no, they've got some things in here.
    There's like meat and potatoes right there.
    Yeah, that's good. Actually, what is it? Tongue stew.
    -[ Groans ] -Oh!
    -Sweet and sour tongue. Well, I see why it's a diet book,
    'cause you never want to eat anything in this book.
    [ Laughter ] You'll lose weight.
    It makes sense. [ Applause ]
    You'll lose weight. -Can't taste it.
    -The next one is a how-to book. -Oh, I love how-to books.
    -Me, too. They're the best. This is always helpful.
    This is "How To Be a Drug Dealer."
    [ Laughter ]
    By 673126.
    [ Laughter ]
    And below, it says, "Note: Author's pen name."
    I love this author. -Yeah. 673 -- yeah.
    -When I think of literary greats...
    -Yeah. -I think of Hemingway,
    I think Faulkner, and, of course, 673126.
    [ Laughter and applause ] Just a classic.
    "How To Be a Drug Dealer."
    Next up is another how-to book here.
    This is "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Teaching College."
    [ Laughter ]
    -Oh, my goodness. -Quick, I need a book.
    -It's definitely not what you want to see
    on your professor's bookshelf. -No.
    [ Laughter ]
    -If my professor had this on his bookshelf,
    I'd drop out and...become a drug dealer.
    [ Laughter ] -Oh, 673 --
    [ Applause and whistles ] Mr. 126?
    -"Idiot's Guide to Teaching College."
    [ Laughter ] Oh, man.
    -I gotta go teach real quick. -This next book is great.
    This one is called
    "88 Reasons Why the Rapture Will Be in 1988."
    [ Laughter ]
    Spoiler alert! -Yeah!
    -Yeah, yeah, "Er, my Gerd." -"Er, my Gerd."
    [ Applause ]
    Oh, this is a great -- this is a romance novel.
    -Oh, I love romance. -I love romance
    and I love novels. -Love both.
    -Together, this is great. It's a beautiful, beautiful story,
    probably. It is called "How to Catch Crabs."
    -Oh! -It is apparently...
    [ Laughter ]
    It is about a fisherman that falls in love.
    -Yeah. Sure. -Yeah. Didn't you -- didn't you
    didn't you write a book, "How to Catch Crabs"?
    -Yes, I did. It was about my spring break to Cancún.
    [ Laughter ] -That's right. Yeah, yeah.
    -How to catch crabs? I snugged up with them.
    [ Laughter ] -It's a tale of --
    look at the back. "A tale of crabs, cricket bats,
    and catching your heart's desire in Jazz Age Western Australia."
    [ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
    That's a very specific niche audience.
    -Yeah. When I think of Jazz Age...
    -You have to love crabs, cricket, jazz.
    And you have to live in Western Australia.
    Very relatable book. I like it.
    [ Applause ]
    But don't read it.
    We're down to our last one. -Aw.
    -And I don't even know what category this falls in,
    but this is totally real.
    It is "What If You Are a Horse In Human Form?"
    [ Laughter ]
    So it's a guy who thinks that he's a horse
    trapped in a human body. -Really?
    -Yeah. -Hay.
    -He says -- haaay. Yeah, yeah.
    [ Laughter ]
    "Over the years, I have communicated with and met
    "several horses in human form. As far as I know,
    I'm the only one who has ever revealed himself publicly."
    [ Laughter ]
    "I hope that this book will encourage others
    to come out of the stall."
    [ Laughter ]
    -Stall. -I'm just glad that he had
    the courage to use his real name --
    Jason the Horse.
    [ Applause ]
    That's all I have for this edition
    of my "Do Not Read" list. [ Cheers and applause ]
    If you have a book that you think should be
    on our next "Do Not Read" list, I would love to see it.
    Send your titles to our blog at...
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