Trump Tweets About Puerto Rico, Male Birth Control - Monologue

Trump Tweets About Puerto Rico, Male Birth Control - Monologue
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    -Let's get to the news.
    President Trump tweeted last night,
    "The people of Puerto Rico are great.
    But the politicians are incompetent or corrupt."
    And it's true. It's true.
    I mean, have you seen their president?
    [ Laughter ]
    President Trump said in a tweet last night
    that the Republican Party will
    "be known as the party of great healthcare."
    He misspelled "healthcare."
    [ Laughter ]
    Also, it turns out this whole time,
    he's actually wanted to build a whale.
    [ Laughter ]
    White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders
    told reporters today that closing the southern border
    "isn't our first choice."
    Then again, neither was Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
    [ Laughter ]
    President -- [ Cheers and applause ]
    President Trump told reporters today that his father was
    "born in a very wonderful place in Germany,"
    when his father was actually born in New York.
    [ Laughter ]
    But yeah, let's wait and see what's in the Mueller report.
    [ Laughter ]
    Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders announced today
    that he has raised over $18 million
    in the first quarter of his campaign.
    So now he's no longer voting for himself.
    [ As Bernie Sanders ] We cannot have this country
    run by millionaires!
    [ Laughter ]
    [ Normal voice ] Today was Equal Pay Day.
    And since this joke was written by a woman,
    we are getting our monies.
    [ Laughter ]
    [ Applause ]
    According to a new study,
    drinking one bottle of wine a week
    has the same effect on your body as smoking 10 cigarettes.
    Said Kathie Lee and Hoda [Raspy] "Welcome to the 'Today' show."
    [ Laughter ]
    A couple in Ohio was arrested last week
    after having sex inside of a gondola
    on a 150-foot observation wheel.
    The couple could face up to 30 questions
    from the kid in the gondola behind them.
    [ Laughter ]
    Catholic priests in Poland recently held a book burning
    for things they considered sacrilegious,
    which included several Harry Potter novels.
    Said J.K. Rowling, "You're going to burn all of them
    once I reveal everyone's true sexuality.
    [ Laughter ]
    There are more surprises to come."
    Kellogg foods announced yesterday
    it has sold its popular brand Keebler cookies.
    Sadly, they sold it to a logging company.
    [ Audience groans ]
    [ Laughter ]
    Researchers from NASA and the European Space Agency
    are seeking female applicants for a study on weightlessness
    that will pay women $19,000 to lie in bed for 60 days.
    Said Trump, "Wow, I paid like seven times that for one day."
    [ Cheers and applause ]
    Researchers at the University of Washington
    believe they've developed a hormonal birth-control method
    that could be safe to use.
    It could replace the current male birth-control method,
    "Fortnite."
    [ Laughter ]
    -Let's get to the news.
    President Trump tweeted last night,
    "The people of Puerto Rico are great.
    But the politicians are incompetent or corrupt."
    And it's true. It's true.
    I mean, have you seen their president?
    [ Laughter ]
    President Trump said in a tweet last night
    that the Republican Party will
    "be known as the party of great healthcare."
    He misspelled "healthcare."
    [ Laughter ]
    Also, it turns out this whole time,
    he's actually wanted to build a whale.
    [ Laughter ]
    White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders
    told reporters today that closing the southern border
    "isn't our first choice."
    Then again, neither was Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
    [ Laughter ]
    President -- [ Cheers and applause ]
    President Trump told reporters today that his father was
    "born in a very wonderful place in Germany,"
    when his father was actually born in New York.
    [ Laughter ]
    But yeah, let's wait and see what's in the Mueller report.
    [ Laughter ]
    Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders announced today
    that he has raised over $18 million
    in the first quarter of his campaign.
    So now he's no longer voting for himself.
    [ As Bernie Sanders ] We cannot have this country
    run by millionaires!
    [ Laughter ]
    [ Normal voice ] Today was Equal Pay Day.
    And since this joke was written by a woman,
    we are getting our monies.
    [ Laughter ]
    [ Applause ]
    According to a new study,
    drinking one bottle of wine a week
    has the same effect on your body as smoking 10 cigarettes.
    Said Kathie Lee and Hoda [Raspy] "Welcome to the 'Today' show."
    [ Laughter ]
    A couple in Ohio was arrested last week
    after having sex inside of a gondola
    on a 150-foot observation wheel.
    The couple could face up to 30 questions
    from the kid in the gondola behind them.
    [ Laughter ]
    Catholic priests in Poland recently held a book burning
    for things they considered sacrilegious,
    which included several Harry Potter novels.
    Said J.K. Rowling, "You're going to burn all of them
    once I reveal everyone's true sexuality.
    [ Laughter ]
    There are more surprises to come."
    Kellogg foods announced yesterday
    it has sold its popular brand Keebler cookies.
    Sadly, they sold it to a logging company.
    [ Audience groans ]
    [ Laughter ]
    Researchers from NASA and the European Space Agency
    are seeking female applicants for a study on weightlessness
    that will pay women $19,000 to lie in bed for 60 days.
    Said Trump, "Wow, I paid like seven times that for one day."
    [ Cheers and applause ]
    Researchers at the University of Washington
    believe they've developed a hormonal birth-control method
    that could be safe to use.
    It could replace the current male birth-control method,
    "Fortnite."
    [ Laughter ]
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