Who Wants A White House Security Clearance?

Who Wants A White House Security Clearance?
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    WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
    I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
    I HOPE EVERYONE HAD A GOOD WEEKEND.
    SPENT TIME OUTSIDE WITH THE FAMILY, GOT YOUR SECURITY
    CLEARANCE APPROVED.
    ( LAUGHTER ) YOU SHOULD APPLY, BECAUSE
    EVIDENTLY TRUMP IS HANDING THOSE THINGS OUT LIKE VERY SUSPICIOUS
    CANDY.
    A WHITE HOUSE WHISTLEBLOWER SAYS THAT "25 DENIALS FOR SECURITY
    CLEARANCE APPLICATIONS WERE OVERRIDDEN BY THE TRUMP
    ADMINISTRATION."
    THERE'S A REASON YOU DON'T JUST GIVE AMERICA'S SECRETS TO
    SOMEONE WHO WAS DENIED SECURITY CLEARANCE.
    SAME REASON IF YOU GO TO BUY A USED CAR, YOU CHECK THE CAR-FAX.
    "HUH.
    THIS 2007 NISSAN SENTRA HAS 100,000 MILES AND OWES $10
    MILLION TO RUSSIAN OLIGARCHS."
    I DON'T THINK SO.
    NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
    ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
    CAREER WHITE HOUSE EMPLOYEE TRICIA NEWBOLD TESTIFIED IN
    CONGRESS THAT THE ORIGINAL DENIALS WERE FOR A RANGE OF
    DISQUALIFYING ISSUES, INCLUDING "FOREIGN INFLUENCE, CONFLICTS OF
    INTEREST, CONCERNING PERSONAL CONDUCT, FINANCIAL PROBLEMS,
    DRUG USE, AND CRIMINAL CONDUCT."
    ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) WHICH IS ALSO THE MOTTO ON THE
    TRUMP FAMILY CREST.
    ( LAUGHTER ) SOUNDS CLASSIER IN LATIN.
    SOUNDS BETTER IN LATIN.
    ( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
    ( PIANO RIFF ) THE REASONS FOR OVERTURNING
    THESE SECURITY DENIALS WERE PRETTY FLIMSY.
    IN ONE CASE, A SENIOR OFFICIAL WAS DENIED CLEARANCE AFTER A
    BACKGROUND CHECK TURNED UP CONCERNS ABOUT POSSIBLE FOREIGN
    INFLUENCE.
    BUT NEWBOLD'S BOSS STEPPED IN TO REVERSE THE DECISION, WRITING
    THAT "THE ACTIVITIES OCCURRED PRIOR TO FEDERAL SERVICE."
    (AS BOSS) "COME ON, WHY ARE THESE
    BACKGROUND CHECKS SO OBSESSED ON THE PAST?
    ( LAUGHTER ) FOR PETE'S SAKE,
    THERE IS NO PROOF HE HAS DONE ANYTHING BAD IN THE FUTURE!"
    ( LAUGHTER ) LOOK FORWARD.
    COME ON!
    ( LAUGHTER ) THERE COULD BE SOME BIG NAMES ON
    THE LIST, INCLUDING TWO CURRENT SENIOR WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS.
    THEY WEREN'T NAMED, BUT THERE WAS A CLUE IN TODAY'S
    CONGRESSIONAL JUNIOR JUMBLE: IVARED AND JANKA.
    ( LAUGHTER ) I CAN'T UNSCRAMBLE THAT.
    >> Jon: WOW.
    >> Stephen: WHO KNOWS.
    COULD BE ANYONE.
    ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND NOW THE HOUSE OVERSIGHT
    COMMITTEE IS REQUESTING SECURITY CLEARANCE DOCUMENTS ON NINE
    INDIVIDUALS, INCLUDING KUSHNER, IVANKA TRUMP, AND NATIONAL
    SECURITY ADVISER JOHN BOLTON.
    YEAH, BOLTON.
    THEY WANT TO KNOW HOW BOLTON GOT SECURITY CLEARANCE AFTER HIS
    YEARS OF USING HIS UPPER LIP TO SMUGGLE EXOTIC PETS.
    ( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
    ( APPLAUSE ) IT'S A GOOD LOOK.
    THE WHISTLEBLOWER HAS ALREADY FACED A LOT OF RETALIATION AT
    THE WHITE HOUSE.
    BEFORE THIS, IN NEARLY 20 YEARS OF SERVICE, SHE NEVER HAD ANY
    DISCIPLINARY PROBLEMS.
    BUT AFTER SHE BEGAN RAISING RED FLAGS, SHE WAS SUSPENDED WITHOUT
    PAY FOR 14 DAYS.
    THE OFFICIAL REASON FOR THE SUSPENSION?
    THAT SHE "FAILED TO FOLLOW A NEW POLICY TO SCAN DOCUMENTS IN
    SEPARATE .PDF FILES INSTEAD OF A SINGLE .PDF FILE."
    TWO WEEKS FOR MAKING THE WRONG TYPE OF COMPUTER FILE.
    WHAT'S NEXT?
    (AS BOSS) "JENKINS, YOU PRINTED THIS
    SPREADSHEET LANDSCAPE INSTEAD OF PORTRAIT.
    TO THE GUILLOTINE!
    WE'RE GOING TO SUSPEND YOUR HEAD WITHOUT PAY.
    SUSPEND IT FROM YOUR TORSO.
    BUT JUST FOR TWO WEEKS."
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