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Don't Like His Behavior? 3 Simple Steps to Change It (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy)

Don't Like His Behavior? 3 Simple Steps to Change It (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy)
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    In this video I give you three simple steps
    to bringing up something your partner has done
    that you don't like
    in a way that strengthens
    instead of weakens your relationship.
    What a week...
    My newest program, Attraction to Commitment
    came out this week.
    The excitement was unbelievable this week.
    More than I've ever experienced in my career for a new program.
    I wanna say thank you to all of you who were excited about it.
    Thank you to all of you who got the program.
    Send me an e-mail.
    Let me know what you're thinking about it so far.
    If you were off the radar this week,
    and you don't know anything about this.
    Click the link below the video.
    It's called Attraction to Commitment.
    It's my newest program. Go check it out for yourself,
    and for everyone watching this video,
    I have something really cool today.
    See we got a comment in the last couple of weeks
    that I wanted to address.
    Sophia B says,
    "So this is not a direct criticism, but..."
    "I would love to see some videos about"
    "how to maintain a good relationship."
    "I've got the guy, but new problems start to come up."
    "How can I fight in an effective way?"
    "What can I do to maintain a good energy in my relationship?"
    "And how can I work on myself within a relationship?"
    Now, Sophia hopefully you've realized since that comment
    that everything you're describing
    is a huge part of the new program I've released,
    Attraction to Commitment.
    I hope you got on that program,
    but there is something that you said
    that I wanna pick up on for the entire audience.
    Which is how to fight effectively.
    All of us, when we meet someone special
    are gonna have a moment where that person does something
    we don't like,
    and in that moment we are either gonna have a reaction that hurts,
    or helps our relationship.
    That destroys, or builds.
    This will depend on the meaning we give to what someone else has done,
    and the most dangerous meanings tend to be the ones we rush to
    from a place of insecurity, or fear, or vulnerability.
    When we think we've been wronged.
    And when we think we've been wronged,
    we tend to ascribe the worst motive to what someone has done,
    but there's something I want you to remember in a moment like this.
    There's a philosophical principle called, Hanlon's Razor.
    Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
    Now what this means is
    sometimes we attribute the worst intentions to someone's actions.
    When really what we're encountering is a form of stupidity,
    or ignorance, or thoughtlessness.
    When someone does something that hurts us,
    very often, it wasn't that they were trying to hurt us.
    They just weren't really thinking.
    And you may say, 'That's still bad...'
    And that may be true, but it's not as bad.
    See different meanings have different emotional intensity.
    'They are trying to hurt me!'
    'They don't care about me!'
    'They don't think I'm worthy!'
    'They don't love me!'
    Those have a very strong emotional intensity.
    'They weren't really thinking...'
    Less so.
    And in any case,
    our first reaction to something
    is us just guessing at it.
    We're making a decision based on a story
    we've constructed in our minds,
    not on the reality of what's actually going on.
    So here are three simple steps that you can use
    any time you wanna bring up something you're not happy about
    that will strengthen instead of weaken your relationship.
    The first is simply to slow down.
    I'm far more likely to regret my quick reactions,
    than the one's I take a moment to consider,
    and that doesn't mean not saying anything,
    but think about it this way.
    If your conclusion is right,
    then it will still be right five minutes from now,
    or an hour from now, or tonight when you see your partner,
    but if you rush your reaction
    that can be something that you'll easily regret.
    Second. Phone a friend.
    Phone the friend in your life that is objective.
    That is measured in his, or her response to situations.
    Not the person who's immediately gonna back you up.
    Not the kind of friend who...
    What's the best way to explain this?
    Good idea.
    He knew that that meeting today was really important to me,
    and I haven't heard from him in the last three hours.
    Oh, helllll no.
    That man need to know he fucked up.
    I at least thought he'd ask me how it went, or...
    I'm gonna speak to him.
    No, don't...
    You don't need to say anything. I'm gonna...
    I'm gonna speak to him.
    Monkey, it's...
    I'm gonna speak to him.
    No, I'm gonna speak...
    I'll come over.
    Don't come over.
    I'm coming over right now.
    Don't come over...
    Hang on, I'm on the phone with Strange Mel.
    Don't bring Strange Mel...
    He's probably cheating...
    Probably cheating.
    You should come over.
    Already on my way.
    Bring Strange Mel.
    Oh, she's already here.
    Don't call that type of friend.
    Here's the friend you need.
    The one that doesn't simply buy your story.
    The one that knows you well enough
    that they can tell you
    when they think that you're going overboard.
    When you're falling prey to your normal patterns.
    They can check you. They're not afraid to check you,
    and be like, 'You know what?'
    'You're overreacting here.'
    Or, 'Just take a beat.'
    'You know, I think you should go in a little calmer,'
    'and talk like this...'
    They can help you navigate the emotional storm you're in.
    'Cause, guess what? When you're upset,
    when you're angry, when you're too close to something...
    You're drunk, and you need to talk to a sober person,
    but not just any sober person, a wise sober person.
    I'm calling Strange Mel.
    Number Three. Use charming candor.
    Now when we feel wronged, we often go to one of two places.
    We either immediately as a reflex get aggressive,
    and serious, and angry,
    or we get passive-aggressive,
    and someone has to draw out of us what's wrong,
    'cause they know our energy has changed,
    but they don't know why,
    and so we're building up to the moment
    where we're gonna unleash all of this truth on them.
    There is a space to come to people
    in a much more relaxed way,
    and I call it charming candor, because it allows you to be candid,
    but at the same time maintain your charming, warm demeanor.
    Like if you're dating a guy,
    and for the last two or three dates
    you've gone over to his side of town,
    and the next date he tries to set up, he says,
    'Hey! Wanna come to this bar near me?'
    And it's on his side of town again...
    You don't have to set up a time for a serious conversation
    with him to talk about it.
    Instead, you can just text him back.
    'Your turn to come to me, lazy!'
    That is charming candor,
    because you're being playful.
    You're not being over serious,
    but you are pointing out
    that you want him to come to you.
    You're putting the light on the situation.
    And you may say, 'But it's disrespectful'
    'that he's asking me to come to his side of town again.'
    Okay, if your playful little jab
    doesn't create a change in behavior,
    now you can have a more serious conversation,
    but it doesn't have to go straight to serious.
    Sometimes being playful, but speaking the truth
    puts something on someone's radar
    in a way that that's enough.
    They have awareness now, and they can adjust.
    Look, I'm passionate about this subject because
    I'm interested in the truth of relationships.
    Not the way we want them to be.
    Not the way they are on a Hallmark card.
    Not the way they are in a movie, but the way they really are,
    and what I've learnt is one of the harsh truths
    about relationships is that
    if we continuously have the wrong reaction to things...
    The wrong reaction can cost us the right person.
    Now yes, the right person,
    the right relationship, the right love
    can take a lot of damage, right?
    It's not fickle. It's not brittle.
    You can do a lot wrong with the right relationship,
    and still hold on to it,
    but A: That doesn't mean it will thrive,
    and B: It doesn't mean
    that sustained injury to a relationship over time
    won't eventually be the death of it.
    Our actions,
    our reactions matter,
    and if you take one thing from this video.
    I want it to be that in moments when you feel vulnerable,
    or threatened, or insecure, or wronged
    you take a moment to really assess
    whether your reaction is coming from
    your own insecurities,
    your own demons,
    your own scars,
    or whether it's genuinely a reaction to the reality of the situation.
    And the only way that we'll know more about
    what the reality of the situation actually is,
    and be able to use that information
    to have a more positive, productive
    conversation with our partner
    is to react more consciously,
    and communicate more confidently.
    If you like this, if this speaks to you...
    This is exactly the kind of depth and detail
    that I go into in my brand new Attraction to Commitment program
    so go check it out. I'll link it up here.
    I can not wait for you to see this.
    Get your copy, and I will see you as always
    in next week's video.
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